Today, my mate had to deal with something I try not to do often. I lost it.

I can handle anger, it's an essential part of my life essence. But sadness and failure hurt. I don't know how to handle them, make them behave.

When I was growing up, no one cared what I wanted to be, they just made it crystal clear that college wasn't optional. As things progressed, I am a fairly decent student: honors, high percentile, good ACT, etc. I didn't work at it, I'm just naturally academically inclined.

Fast forward to college. 2 years of community college, it was relatively painless. Same grades as high school, same level of nonchalance. No big deal.

I took a semester off to get settled, and though it was excruciating because of social and economic factors, I was thrilled to survive it and head back to class.

Now, I'm at a real university.
DEAR GOD.
Why didn't the world prep me for this? It's like showing a kid how to wash their hands and then tossing them in the middle of the ocean and expecting them to be able to swim home O_O
I'm floundering.

I thought I was a writer. I mean, I did exceptional with writing all throughout previous years.
But the world has made it blatantly obvious that I /suck/ /hardcore/ at writing.
My advanced composition class is ...pathetic, miserable and nauseating. I'm surrounded by writing minors who think it's essential that every paper ever written be in 5 paragraph format.
Are you fucking kidding me?! I've been writing for 8 years and I'd like to get beyond that format. They taught us that in 7th grade, middle school, why would we continue to use that format for the rest of our pathetic lives?!
Beyond that, my classmates were wonderfully honest in regards to my writing. It's pathetic, weak, shitty, etc. Constructive criticism wasn't even possible in regards to my work, that's how bad it was.

My teacher is just as bad. He is like "You're doing fine" 8D when we talk in person, but in his recorded review of my papers, he tore me a new one. He basically said scrap everything I've written and start over.
I bet it caused him pain to have to give me my papers back instead of burning them.

The online world doesn't even find interest in my writing. I'm floundering in a creative community. I love my characters, adore them, work on them ceaselessly, but that's just another place where I fail.
My characters suck. No one wants to roleplay with me. No one wants me to adopt their pets.
Basically, this weekend, an owner said "I'd rather it go to someone who isn't around than to you"
It's like a kick in the teeth.

The world is screaming: Darling, you are not a writer! Get a fucking grip and do something else with your life. Please, for the sake of everyone who might have to read your work. Just stop!

And yet, my mate and my best friend are all like:
You're a decent writer, don't give it up.

I love you two, but you know me. I don't play sports because I'm not good at them. Why would I continue writing? I need to quit setting myself up for failure.

But I can never quit college, so I need another plan >.>
Now that I think about it, my mom has never read my writing O_O
So maybe I just won't tell her I'm changing my minor >_>;;
She won't care. As long as I'm still in school and out of her hair, it should be fine.




Now, it's all down to me figuring out what to do with my life.
Do I drop my characters like I did the last set?
The last time, it felt like I was killing my babies. I don't know if I can do it again. But they'll just rot when I stop writing.
It's so unsettling to leave them, alone. Some of them would understand, but some of them never had a chance to really live.
I'll miss them =/

And I need to come up with another minor. Bleh.
Wish me luck.